youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Everything about him screamed your future.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
