My Higher Power is John Stamos
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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