I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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