I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
