I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
