So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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