I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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