I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
