Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
