Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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