He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
