I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
