I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
