You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
