Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You made out with two different species that night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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