you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
