Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
