he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
