pop tarts are not kleenex
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
