so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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