The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
