come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
