bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
