I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
