Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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