woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
