She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize