Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize