Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
is wine microwaveable?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
