I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
