My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
be right there i have to get my cape
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
