Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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