I just pynch a tree in the face
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
