watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize