hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just googled if crying burns calories
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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