Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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