Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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