please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
