so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize