apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
