You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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