if i died would you start the facebook group?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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