i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
