I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You ate ashes out of my bong
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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