If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Let's paint friendship bongs
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
