Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
