Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize