i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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