dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
