Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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