so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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