dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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