Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
