Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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