Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
