Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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